Yawning

I yawned in church today in a big distracted way and then felt (in a little way) guilty about it. I thought, I wouldn't act this way in the presence of someone I really cared about and respected or in the presence of someone I wanted to think well of me. So why was I being so careless in the presence of God? But then a sweeter thought followed on the heels of my low-purr guilt. It seemed as if it might have been a thought directly, generously sent by God. It was this: we sometimes fall into that kind of carelessness with God because we have a half-formed thought that God is pretty used to our bodily functions anyway and, indeed, is the brilliant inventor of them. And so it can be okay to yawn more while praying than you would in a talk with a lover or friend or boss.
This set me free to think about the brilliant inventor of so many things. Our bodies with all their complex functions and then the whole world that surrounds them and makes them possible - all this is always underway and we hardly realize it at all. We're not really meant to either, at least not all that often. It is part of the deal. God sustains us; we live a life. Every now and then we notice how utterly we rely on some vital, hidden grace to keep our bodies going; and we are astonished. This adds affection, surprise, intimate gratitude to our ongoing relationship with God. That ongoing relationship deserves much more direct attention than becoming aware of or checking our natural bodily reactions. Direct attention - that's what I was trying to do. I found myself yawning while praying.

You

All my complaining about feeling God so distant from me - is this perhaps simply God's necessary refusal to allow me to treat him as an "Other"? God is not an Other. God is God. Re is the You in whom I live and move and have my being. My whole existence is an address of response to the One who addresses me by positing me. As such God cannot be distant from me. I can only be distant from this truth, which is meant to be the foundational truth of my whole life. This distinguishes me from all other animals, from trees, rocks and all other created realities (in this realm) which exist only in passive relationship to God. All things other than the human person are created as a result of the simple command of God, expressing his will that they be. But the person is created as a result of the call of God. God calls a human being to respond to him, saying, "You." God is my You whether I want it or not, whether I deny it or accept it. It is as such, and only as such, that we are here. To refuse the relation is simply to be in contradiction to what we are.

Young

When I was young, I was much more interested in life than I am now; but that was because I was so self-centered - not, I hope, in some grossly selfish way but simply in the way that the young spontaneously are self centered, before they become aware of their own insignificance, when the sheer wonder of just being here is still fresh upon them.

But if I feel less interested, I do at least feel that the rather considerable interest I still have is more realistic, closer to the way that things are, to the laws that drive the universe. It is a relief to know that I am not the center of anything and not of any particular long-lasting importance. Yes, on some days this is disappointing; but if this is the way that things are, I am still at least here, and that is quite an amazing experience for me. I am still interested.